Cooties and "Toxins"

Cooties, they're everywhere! And no matter how you try to protect yourself, they still find a way to attack. Soap, vitamins, flu shots, antibacterial rub.. (all you hippies out there hold your comments about how flu shots and antibacterial is the devil, i dont wanna hear it).. and yet the cooties still break through and take over. What is one to do? Stop licking elevator buttons? I think not! Encourage the kids to sneeze into a tissue rather than into their hands or inside their shirts (see also: gross!) before they come sit with me? No way! Wash my hands 5,000 times a day until they are dry and crackey? Who's got time for that?! I think its time we face the inevitable that germs are fucking bastards who find a way in, reproduce like crazy, take over, make you miserable, leave you exhausted, crusty, sniffly, sneezy, hurtey, freezey, and every other unpleasant symptom you can think of (oh yea, i said crusty), and then go on their way until you're the jerk that has already spread it around to everyone you know. In conclusion germs must be related to german cockroaches so maybe my nigerian bug guy can come spray fiona and make her sad germs go away.
And now on to "toxins". "Toxins." Spooky, huh? Sounds real dangerous. Well being the nerd I am, I did some nerd research. The reason this topic came up is because at my work, we treat our employees to a 15 minute chair massage once a month. Occasionally we would have an employee or friend tell us "drink lots of water, massages release toxins". At first I was like sure, sure, toxins (taking one finger and pointing it at the side of my head as I make a circular motion, also known as the international sign for "crazy"). Well it seems like more and more this whole idea of "toxins" is being brought up. Seriously? I have "toxins" hiding in my muscles just waiting for the moment I get a massage to break free and take over and do something terrible to me if I don't drink enough water after said massage? Is that what people really want me to believe? And what if someone never got a massage? Would their "toxins" build up so much to the point where they get some mysterious disease cuz the toxicity of their "toxins" has caused terrible things to happen to them? (Note: no one has ever said what happens, its just always "drink lots of water because of the "toxins" released". Not "hey, you'll die" or "hey, your poop will turn purple" or even "hey, you'll get all red and splotchy and be covered in pimples in the morning". Nothing.) Anywho, so I finally did some research and guess what, it was crap all along. If you happen to have developed a little bit of interest after reading this to see exactly what happens and what "toxins" are released, I found this interesting article online: www.treatmentmassage.com/understanding-your-body/toxin-release.html
you know, if you're bored. Basically your cells all produce normal waste as they function day to day. Getting a massage gets those cells to produce waste a little faster than normal. The end. No death. No brain tumors. No itchy rash for you to talk about in the crowded elevator (although i do recommend trying that at least once, its awwesome!).
So cooties and "toxins" - - - go scratch and quit bothering me! Because you are what perturbs my panda today.