Grumpy Part Deux

I was kinda sad thinking i wouldnt get back to this, cuz seriously, who has two such monstrous days in a row (and has two thumbs)? This guy! How silly of me to think today would be rainbows and sunshine.. or snow and ice in my case.. wait a sec, do i see a little sun? screw you sun! screw you and today and all the fucktards i had to deal with and.. *deep breath* yes.. screw them all..
so to pick up where i left off, here are some more annoying stupid things that are making me wanna punch stuff:
1. if youre going to do a webinar/conference call and try to convince ME that we should stop using the software that we have, that we have been using since i started here over 4 years ago and buy yours and pay you all this money to allow us to use it and to train us, for the love of pete, be NICE to me! me! seriously! im a pretty nice person, most of the time, but when it comes to business i can be demanding. i will interrupt you if youre going of on rambling about something i will never need to know or about what another doctor's office does or about just boring things in general. i will interrupt you and ask you something that IS relevant to me and about me deciding if i think this software is a good idea. dont get shitty with me, dont act all annoyed, just answer my fucking question and then move on.. cuz i will call you out on it, and i dont care that there are two other people in on this call/webinar.. they can know youre an asshole too. (moral of this story, i dont care how sweet your shit is, if youre a dick, i dont need it.)
2. (please refer back to my previous blog where i discussed applications and how to answer them). if a page is 90% blank, but at the very top of it states "please attach photographs of yourself for your profile" for the love of all things holy DO NOT DRAW A PICTURE OF A PREGNANT PERSON WALKING IN THE WATER and then caption it "this is just a cartoon of a spectin mother, is so this page dont stay blanke" my brain exploded when i saw all the things wrong with this.. one.. a spectin monther? really? spectin??? not expecting?? wow.. impressive.. and no, that's not a typo, it does say "is so this page..." wtf does that even mean?? also, if youre within the age parameters to complete this application (which i verify before i mail it out) you better be able to spell blank. seriously. granted, i know in my blog i misspell all the time, but guess what, i dont give a shit and im not being evaluated by anyone about it.. just whatever bored people take the time to read this blog. (p.s. i love you blog reader(s)!!)

i gotta stop at this point cuz its time for me to go home and forget this day ever happened, please cross your fingers with me that there wont be a "grumpy part 3" post.. as therapeutic as it is when i type it all out and vent to the land of blog readers, its not really worth it to go thru it just so i have something to post about.

and that, lovlies who are reading this, is what perturbs my panda. in a word: stupidity.

Grumpy Part One

So im kinda grumpy today, and altho probably no one can tell (unless brandi sees me click on something) that im being a grump, i most certainly am. so i decided that since i havent blogged in a while that i would randomly throughout the day post things that have annoyed me and then get them out of my head.. no sense hanging onto annoyances, right? so even tho ive only been at work for about three hours, here's what's annoyed me so far:
1. if you dont know the answer to a fucking question, DO NOT answer it. dont make up your answer cuz youre too proud to ask someone what the correct answer it. it just cost us $450 you stupid bitch so i hope youre fucking happy. go to hell and dont come back.
2. if you are making copies on a copier and notice there is a black line across them, that means that there is a smudge, dirt, dust, etc on the screen of the scanner and you just need to get a tissue and wipe it off real quick. i dont know why i am the only person who has figured this out and knows how to fix it but its real fucking annoying. dont you think things look like shit with lines across them? do you notice them? do you just wait for me to come clean it? seriously?
3. if your filling out an application that you know is going to be reviewed and it says in bold letters across the top that it will be reviewed, and you know we are looking for the best possible candidate for this, please do not give a stupid answer. lie if you have to. if you know its something i can never research or follow up on, just give me what you think i want to hear. (i.e. "how many previous sexual partners have you had?" "unknown" not a good idea)
4. if you want me to do something, you can give it to me. im right here. you dont need to wait until i leave, put a post it on it with instructions and leave it on my desk while im in the washroom and then sit there like nothing happened. i dont think im unapproachable, and i never give anyone even a sigh of frustration when asked to do something, so please dont act like that. its annoying.

To be continued...

Cooties and "Toxins"

Cooties, they're everywhere! And no matter how you try to protect yourself, they still find a way to attack. Soap, vitamins, flu shots, antibacterial rub.. (all you hippies out there hold your comments about how flu shots and antibacterial is the devil, i dont wanna hear it).. and yet the cooties still break through and take over. What is one to do? Stop licking elevator buttons? I think not! Encourage the kids to sneeze into a tissue rather than into their hands or inside their shirts (see also: gross!) before they come sit with me? No way! Wash my hands 5,000 times a day until they are dry and crackey? Who's got time for that?! I think its time we face the inevitable that germs are fucking bastards who find a way in, reproduce like crazy, take over, make you miserable, leave you exhausted, crusty, sniffly, sneezy, hurtey, freezey, and every other unpleasant symptom you can think of (oh yea, i said crusty), and then go on their way until you're the jerk that has already spread it around to everyone you know. In conclusion germs must be related to german cockroaches so maybe my nigerian bug guy can come spray fiona and make her sad germs go away.
And now on to "toxins". "Toxins." Spooky, huh? Sounds real dangerous. Well being the nerd I am, I did some nerd research. The reason this topic came up is because at my work, we treat our employees to a 15 minute chair massage once a month. Occasionally we would have an employee or friend tell us "drink lots of water, massages release toxins". At first I was like sure, sure, toxins (taking one finger and pointing it at the side of my head as I make a circular motion, also known as the international sign for "crazy"). Well it seems like more and more this whole idea of "toxins" is being brought up. Seriously? I have "toxins" hiding in my muscles just waiting for the moment I get a massage to break free and take over and do something terrible to me if I don't drink enough water after said massage? Is that what people really want me to believe? And what if someone never got a massage? Would their "toxins" build up so much to the point where they get some mysterious disease cuz the toxicity of their "toxins" has caused terrible things to happen to them? (Note: no one has ever said what happens, its just always "drink lots of water because of the "toxins" released". Not "hey, you'll die" or "hey, your poop will turn purple" or even "hey, you'll get all red and splotchy and be covered in pimples in the morning". Nothing.) Anywho, so I finally did some research and guess what, it was crap all along. If you happen to have developed a little bit of interest after reading this to see exactly what happens and what "toxins" are released, I found this interesting article online: www.treatmentmassage.com/understanding-your-body/toxin-release.html
you know, if you're bored. Basically your cells all produce normal waste as they function day to day. Getting a massage gets those cells to produce waste a little faster than normal. The end. No death. No brain tumors. No itchy rash for you to talk about in the crowded elevator (although i do recommend trying that at least once, its awwesome!).
So cooties and "toxins" - - - go scratch and quit bothering me! Because you are what perturbs my panda today.

Celebs I Hate v.1

Eddie Vedder
Chad Ochocinco
Alanis Morisette
Kate Gosselin
Drew Barrymore
Evan Lysacek
Michael Phelps
Jennifer Garner
Kirsten Dunst
Miley Cyrus
Tara Reid
Zac Efron
Taylor Swift
Renee Zelwegger
Ryan Phillippe
Nick Jonas
Ryan Seacrest
Hillary Duff
Keanu Reeves
Kevin Bacon
Kyra Sedgwick
Hillary Swank
Sarah Jessica Parker
Courtney Love
Clay Aiken
Michael Lohan
Matt Dillon
Justin Bieber
Heidi Montag
Spencer Pratt
Cynthia Watros
Mariah Carey
Olsen Twins
Mischa Barton
Tori Spelling
Maggie Gyllenhaal
Brandon Routh
Jason Schwartzman
Elizabeth Mitchell

Life

Life perturbs my panda. screw you life. fine. whatever.

My Face

so this one has been a long time coming. besides being told my two of my closest friends almost constantly that they hate my face (i swear they were separated at birth), i also.. hate.. er.. mostly dislike my face. not cuz its on my head and not cuz i think its ugly, but just cuz it doesnt cooperate with me. first of all, what. the. hell. is with all these damn freckles? FREAKLES is more like it! i think they are adorable on anyone else, but jeebus christos! do i need to have so friggen many? they're gross. the end. dont bother trying to say anything to the contrary cuz i will just delete your comment anyway.
second of all, and the reason for this rant, is my sad skin condition! i am on a serious search for a good exfoliating facial mask or scrub cuz my chin and nose look like a strawberry.. not red, just covered with sad angry little black seeds. ive always had blackheads and for whatever reason i have decided that right now i am taking them on and not giving up until i win! so far though, they win. hence the need for a good mask and/or scrub.
and thirdly somewhere in my genetics and too much sunburn on my forehead over the course of my life (and its been BAD, believe me! big angry sad sunburn that cracks like the floor of the death valley or huge nasty blisters that are only more embarrassing than they are painful - and oh yea, they are painful.. sorry, getting off track here) i got these ginormous triple h-like creases in my forehead. i constantly look like im angry or thoughtful or confused SOLELY based on my forehead wrinkles.. they are big scary lines from one side of my forehead to the other and then angry short ones that go from top to bottom right in the middle.. its the one thing that actually makes me think that my dad is actually my dad and it might not be bob deniro as i previously thought. lets not jump to any crazy conclusions though.. again it could just be from all the sunburns.
so to you, my face, SCREW YOU! you are spotty and even worse spotty and wrinkly and you need to knock it the hell off! 31.. cough.. i mean 25 is as good an age as any to start taking better care of my skin so that goal has been added to my list of things to do this year. im taking my face back to make it a face im proud to tell the two face-haters in my life that they are crazy, and that they love my face just like i do :) or at least they will when i do.
and that my sweet faced blog viewers is what perturbs my panda.
(please note that i am not anywhere near as hard on anyone else's face as i am of my own. besides hilary swank, i cannot think of another face that i hate.)

Germs

And so begins another edition of What Perturbs My Panda. Germs. Germ germy germs. some ungrateful little jerk of a germ has completely taken over my body. it started last saturday when i was freezing and felt like i couldnt warm myself up. then with temperature changes and a flight with random coughers and sneezers, i really started to feel it. it took a couple more days and then when realizing that i had said "im just fighting a cold" when people at work told me (in the sweetest way possible) that i looked like death about 15 times, i found that i was not fighting it, it was kicking my butt. i know, its just a cold, what am i whining about, right? well screw you! then dont read my blog!
i powered through thursday and friday and then finally friday night i succumbed. through medicine, nasal sprays, and breathe right strips stuck to my nose, i tried and tried to fight it. sneeze sneeze cough sniffle blow sneeze sniffle blow cough cough sneeze.. on and on.. headaches, body aches, face aches, man-voice, low tolerance to anything that didnt involve me sleeping.. i was full on sick. i went to sleep between seven and eight on friday night and did not get up besides to go to the bathroom or get more juice until about 9:30 this morning. and im still gross.
*gross tmi warning*
ive hacked up the nastiest shit and have had my boogies be every color. clear, yellow, green, orange, brown and even the dreaded red, ive had them all. thank god for lotioned tissues! otherwise my sniffer would be as ginger as my hair. [sidenote: in all my laziness and half-sleepiness i have watched a lot of tv this weeekend. i kept seeing a commercial for canada dry ginger ale "claiming" to be made from real ginger. its not even red. get a clue.]
what really blew my mind was this was the time my normally super sweet ten year old sweety pie of a daughter decided to act like a fifteen year old pain in the ass with pms. who picks on their mom when they are sick? im always sweet to her when she doesnt feel good. had i had the energy to get up, she may have been murdered. lucky for her i went back to sleep and she got to live another day. so i am writing this hoping that my germs are almost dead and that even though this whole weekend was a bust, that my week gets better.
so screw you germs, go find someone else to harass (just not anyone that can blame me for getting them sick!) and leave me alone! i never invited you in and i would gladly show you to the door, if i could get out from under this blankey and pile of used tissues. *achoo*
and that, blog readers that think i am just a whiney sick person, is what perturbs my panda.

DVR's & Network TV

So for my first angry rant, i thought i would use what most recently perturbed my panda. stupid dvr's and lame ass network tv. dvr's are becoming more and more popular and most people, because of their busy schedules (and maybe their hate of commercials) record their shows, and watch them at a time that they are not normally on. so you would think that network tv would try to make sure that their show runs in their allotted time and doesnt extend past their scheduled thirty or sixty minute window when it is being recorded. or that maybe dvr's could be a little flexible and go a couple minutes over the scheduled end time just to be safe.
not so tonight. you win abc and lost. oh yea and screw you too comcast. because of my short attention span and my ever-present a.d.d., with lost being a show that you have to pay attention to, i have been re-watching the previous episode and then watching the new one so i remember right where they left off when i start watching the new one. it also has been surprising me how much i miss when i watch it the first time around. anyway, so i re-watched last week's episode, got all ready for tonight's and then turned it on. the stupid friggen dvr cut off right at the end, so not only did i not see the end of the episode but *gasp* i also didnt get to see the preview for next week!
although i can guess that the preview was something like a quick pan of everyone on the show followed by the infamous "questions will be answered" line they keep telling us every week, im still left not knowing what i missed at the end of the episode! sure, its probably going to be on demand or online tomorrow and i can watch the last couple minutes, but until then, my crazy jelly bean fueled brain is free to run wild and guess what happened...
did aliens crash into the temple? did everyone wake up and it turns out the whole show was a virtual reality mind f*ck to everyone that has been loyally watching since season one? did anyone spontaneously explode? or IMplode?? did a panda show up? cuz that would have been the perfect opportunity for a panda to show up, you know, when my dvr cuts out on me.. did the island move again? did desmond come back and save everyone? ugh did juliet turn into a zombie, dig herself out of her shallow grave and come back to eat everyone's brains? really.. it could be anything at this point.
so to you comcast, abc, and lost.. SCREW YOU! thanks for making me a crazy nut job and letting my mind go buck wild until i can actually see what happened (and then wish that it was that a panda showed up).. when i set my dvr to record a show, i want it to record the WHOLE show and not just cut out when the channel guide says its supposed to be over. the channel guide is not the ruler of the universe and clearly it has its flaws. im off to come up with more crazy theories..
and that my bored blog readers is what really perturbs my panda.